I know I did the right thing. I really do. No matter how much it hurts, I feel like I have made the right move. When we were together, I was filled with doubts about it (I know every relationship has doubts, but it was to the point where most of the time I was at his house, all I wanted to do was go home) I know this is just that stereotypical breakup phase where you wonder if you made a mistake, but...
I never thought I'd have to do anything this hard. I never thought that I would have to walk away from someone I loved, to break his heart AND mine, and move on. I never thought I'd have to let myself hurt this much, or to have to CAUSE myself to hurt this much. I'm not only lonely and missing my best friend... I am also feeling like crap because he is hurting. I know, I know, he hurt me lots, I shouldn't care, but I do. It's a well known fault of mine as all my friends would point out... I'm compassionate to a fault.
Dean isn't good with people. He pushes them away, and other then me he really had nobody he could talk to. Now that I'm not there... all I can think of is the fact that he is alone. He has nobody. He must be so... BLAH... right now. I can't even explain it, does anybody understand how I'm feeling? And the fact that he can't bring himself to be my friend now, even though we actually were best friends? (I honestly would say he was the best friend I EVER had) It hurts that I've lost my best friend out of all of this. I mean, I could have carried on with him, but by the end of it we would have HATED eachother. At least we can have some decent memories of eachother.
I miss my friend. I hate that I hurt my friend. I hate that I had to walk away like it didn't matter, that I had to see him cry, and had to see him become so damn weak. I hate that I can't figure myself out, that I'm so hurt, that I feel like such a bad person. I don't think I have ever thought less of myself then I do now. I forgave the cheating, the verbal abuse, the bad drunk nights... but I didn't forget. A good person would have forgotten them, but I couldn't let go of the effects they had on my and on the relationship. I hate that no matter how much a little part of me wants him back, I know that it can't happen. I hate that I've never felt more alone, more lost or more confused in my life. I hate that I still think he's beautiful, that I still love the geeky things he did, that I still think my head fit perfectly on his shoulder. And I hate that how much I cry about it now is how much I cried while I was in the relationship. I hate that part of me is already over the whole thing, and ready to move on. I hate that I still smell his cologne EVERYWHERE, that I can't listen to my favourite CD without thinking about him, and that I can't call him up and ask him what that great saying his grandpa used to say was.
Anna, I wish that you lived in Cranbrook right now... I could use a coffee visit. I'm never near my phone much, but if you ever feel up for being my shoulder to cry on... (250) 420-7147 (cell number...the house phone is apparently broken)
I feel so guilty about causeing all this hurt, and feeling like I might be able to move on quickly. And I really, really, really miss my best friend.